Fearless tough conversations
Imagine having a conversation with one of your leaders to advise them on shifts in their leadership style, the style that they believe has made them successful.
If this feels like a tough gig, this article is for you.
We will look at why a tough conversation is important as a tactic, why we avoid them, and some practical steps to help us have a tough conversation. How to be fearless.
Why is a tough conversation important?
We know that leadership is the number one driver of change in organisations. Our leaders rarely go to leadership school and our most effective tactic is leadership coaching, to help our leaders lead best.
You could argue that the capacity for transformational change is constrained by the leadership capability of our leaders, which in turn is constrained by our comfort, as their change agent, in having a tough conversation.
Wow, that feels big. The organisational capacity for transformational change is intrinsically linked to our comfort in having a tough conversation.
In this article we will cover:
why we avoid the conversation
what enabling factors need to be in place
how to prepare and structure the conversation for success
Why do we avoid the conversations?
However much we give ourselves excuses for not having the conversation; we are too busy, it is not the right time, we don’t have all the facts; the reality is that we are avoiding the conversation.
When we have a conversation, what is heard is filtered through a complex mesh of perceptions about us, the message, the intent, and the situation.
Our communications can stumble at four different stages:
What we intend to say
What we actually say
What the listener thinks we mean
How the listener reacts
This brings us to the one simple thing that stops us.
Fear
Fear of failure, fear of destroying the relationship, fear of damaging our only chance, fear of upsetting the leader, fear of our own emotions and confidence. And the worst one; fear of being ignored and the issue being avoided.
Fear drives a conflict mentality. If it feels like we are going into a war, we get defensive and can have a sense that this is a win-lose, one-shot situation. Likely to fail. We risk going into attack mode and no one comes out of it well.
Fear drives our inaction. It almost feels better to do nothing than to try and fail.
Yet, with good friends and colleagues we can often talk about personal and difficult subjects in a constructive way with compassion and empathy. It is not us; it is the situation.
Enabling a tough conversation
Let us look at what needs to be in place to enable a tough conversation.
Take a moment to reflect on who you can have a deep and constructive conversation with.
Good friends, family or your partner: Where the relationship has been through its ups and down’s.
Colleagues: Where you have had to rely on each other for your success, whether that is projects or tough deadlines.
Professionals: Your doctor, lawyer, therapist, those who you know have your best interests at heart. You recognise the experience and confidence in their knowledge. As a change agent, this may be the basis of your conversation.
At the heart of all of these is a relationship.
Before we think about having a tough conversation, we need to create an environment for success.
A trusted relationship
The first step is to build a relationship that gives us the basis for the conversation. We call this a trusted relationship.
A trusted relationship is a healthy relationship; it is being equal partners working together for the good of you both. It has a high level of trust underpinning it.
There are four parts to a trusted relationship; Empathy, Authenticity, Respect and Motive.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It is being able to stand in someone else’s shoes and see their point of view. At its basic level, it is an awareness that others have needs. Someone devoid of empathy is seen as being self-absorbed, caring only for themselves and their own success.
Authenticity is the ability to bring your true self to the relationship. More than just being honest, it recognises the courage and vulnerability that a deeply balanced relationship needs.
Respect is the feeling that you are valued by the other person, that they recognise and respect the contribution you bring to the relationship. We quickly sense when we are not respected.
Motive establishes the purpose of your relationship, is it for the benefit of you, the other person, or a common goal or belief that you share? Do you come into the conversation assuming and demonstrating positive intent.
A trusted relationship has all of these factors. Bigger and more challenging conversations need a deeper relationship, which can take time.
As a change agent, understanding how to quickly build a trusted relationship is our most powerful skill set.
Relationship Map Tool
Take a moment to map out your stakeholders and measure the strength of your relationship in each of the quadrants. What do you need to be successful?
Focus on the biggest gaps between importance and quality.
As humans we gravitate toward and spend more time on relationships that are easy for us, we avoid the ones that are harder. Another of our cognitive biases. Deliberately spend time where you need to improve the relationship.
Building a trusted relationship
We know from our work on human biases that we reciprocate the actions of others. We behave towards others as they behave towards us. If we take the first step, others will feel obliged to return the intent.
As humans we place a much higher importance on non-verbal body language and tone of voice over the words that we hear, which can account for as little as 7%.
What does empathy look like for you?,what does authenticity look like?, respect and motive?. How do we amplify these to accelerate building a balanced relationship?
Here are some good tricks and tips:
Building Empathy
Start with active listening; Listen to hear what is being said. Humans know when you aren’t listening. Playback what you have heard, use similar language, demonstrate that you understand them.
Put yourself in their shoes, look around, appreciate what is happening in your stakeholder’s world, what pressures are they feeling?
To be more self-aware, know yourself. What are your biases, what are your own preferences (communications, Myers Briggs and others)? Knowing that you have preferences helps your brain understand that others may have their own preferences. It does not make us bad, just different.
Authentic praise is a good start to a relationship, it puts the receiver in a good frame of mind where they feel valued. It forces you to think positively about the receiver. Be reassuring.
Demonstrating authenticity
True authenticity requires openness, vulnerability and courage. The courage to be your true and authentic self.
Many of us adopt a set of psychological armour when we come to work to give ourselves strength. Whether that is a power tie, a pair of high heels or a ninja notebook to act as a shield. Recognise your own armour and that of your stakeholders.
Being open with the information you have is a good first step. It feels less as though you are going to use it as a weapon. Surprises dent a balanced relationship very quickly.
A useful tactic for vulnerability is to share information that could damage you if used wrongly but is appropriate within the context of your relationship.
Establishing Respect
Give respect as the first step to earning respect. This demonstrates vulnerability and sets the tone of the relationship.
Check your credibility level, do you need to establish it. Are you valued? Do you value the other person? Once established you do not need to keep reinforcing
Your actions speak louder than your words, being consistent is really important. Act in a way that demonstrates your respect. Do what you say you will do; under promise and over deliver.
Ensure decisions or recommendations are fair and transparent. In times of change it is often the least worst outcome which is chosen, recognise this.
Respect, like trust can be lost in an instant. Never lie
Motive
Both assume and demonstrate positive intent. Check yourself, do you feel positive intent towards the person and the situation? If not, recognise it and find the positive.
Establish common goals. Focus on the what first, then the how. Most disagreements are about the how, not the what.
Appreciate that people do not always have the best survival tactics, they are typically angry or frustrated with their situation not with you. Filter that anger and frustration out, focus on the underlying needs.
People do not come to work to do a bad job or to alienate others. Help them do the good work they want to do.
Practice positive thinking and pausing so that you are prepared.
Let us get practical
Prepare for the conversation
What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you hope to accomplish?
What assumptions are you making about this person? Have you put yourself in their shoes?
What buttons are being pushed? Are you more emotional than you should be? If so, is this the right time, or are you the right person?
Don’t practice. The other person doesn’t have your script, and you will quickly lose confidence once the conversation takes an unexpected turn.
In the conversation
Look non-threatening.
Open body language and SMILE to match theirs.
Check whether you have this right; if you shift your position do they alter their position to yours.
Make eye contact
Eye contact gives confidence.
A normal amount ranges from 30-60% of the time, holding the gaze from 3-7 seconds.
More eye contact if you are listening, less when you are talking.
Recognise that some cultures may find too much eye contact disrespectful.
Speak slowly
To sound more credible.
Choose your words carefully and deliver at a deliberate and thoughtful pace for maximum impact.
Embrace silence and pauses. You will come over as steady, confident and knowledgeable.
Stop talking
If you do all the talking, you feel as though you are building the relationship. You are wrong.
The more balanced the talking, the more relationship you are building. Check yourself.
Listen
And listen actively. Be interested, not interesting.
Listening is a simple way to validate and show you value others, encourage them to tell their story. Suspend your own ego, this is not the time for one-upmanship.
When you speak
Be Polite. Manners demonstrate respect.
Choose your words carefully
Some words have power, they can trigger an emotional response so use them carefully. Replace But with And
Do not use the words ‘I think’. The easiest way to entrench someone in their view is for you to entrench your position. The easiest way to entrench yourself is to say ‘I think’.
Avoid empty words such as ‘I hear what you are saying’, how do you hear?
Ensure a balance of communication, give a piece of personal information for every one that they reveal to get a flow going.
Ask for help, when the request is small we naturally feel a connection to those who (genuinely) ask us for help.
Follow a three step process
Be curious and ask open ended questions, those that ask more questions are seen as more likeable. ‘Tell me more about, I am interested in learning about, I have been giving some thought on how we might …’. Use a reassuring tone.
Dig deeper to understand their position “what more, what else, such as, tell me more, so if I understand correctly’.
Use tentative talk to introduce the idea; ‘I wonder if, what might the impact of … , one idea might be’ ,’I have seen ….. work in the past, is it relevant here?’.
What about emotional conversations?
Conversations where you sense the other party may become emotional feel tough. You may feel your internal barriers starting to rise as you read these words. Dealing with emotions feels unpredictable and scary.
Firstly, it isn’t about you. Unless you and your choices are the cause of the pain, it is about the other person. Don’t take on their pain.
If they are looking backwards, help with some reality testing; ‘this really will happen, you might want to get yourself ahead of this.’ Or simply give space for them to work through their thinking.
Do not negotiate! We learn the art of negotiation from being small children. It is the quickest way to destroy the value in a change. This is the time to be consistent with any messaging.
It is tempting to say, ‘this isn’t about you.’, but unless you can give a credible alternative perspective, it will feel as though it is. Reframe the situation; ‘I can see this is tough from your perspective, but if you put yourself in the shoes of our customers/shareholders … ‘.
And the one we all dread, tears.
There are three reasons we cry:
A chemical reaction, like onions.
A reflective action, like stubbing your toes.
Emotional or Psychic tears come from our body being flooded with chemicals such as the fight or flight mechanism or even happiness.
The tears come when our emotions, either positive or negative, overwhelm us. They trigger a release of dopamine which calms us down and brings us back into balance.
Women are four times more likely to cry as men as they have more prolactin which produces tears and smaller tear ducts.
I think of tears as when emotions overflow; there is simply more emotion than our bodies can contain, they aren’t bad, just an overflow mechanism.
If someone cries in front of you. Pause, give them a tissue and let them compose themselves. When they have settled continue or rearrange. Recognise tears are just another form of communication, one where we are particularly open and vulnerable.
The flushed, sobbing red face, wet from tears is something we all hate to show others, especially if we think we will be negatively judged for it. Don’t judge, just recognise that the person (or you) are human. Be reassuring.
In Summary
Tough conversations are the enabler of transformational change
Create the right environment early to facilitate tough conversations later
Measure the quality of the relationships you have and will need
Practice the steps to a great conversation
Be fearless
